To dream or not to dream

For months I have been dreamless, I have slept each night without much in the way of dreams and it has been pleasant. Odd really, as I continue to get adjusted to the new things in my world. I have always struggled with nightmares; they come and go but the ones I remember leave me reeling and uncomfortable. Whether they mean something specific, or it is my subconscious playing tricks on me, dreaming is an activity that I wish I didn’t participate in.

My little girl is my Achilles heel, her safety is the most important thing to me and because of that, I struggle finding a balance between fearing for her safety and what is a projection from me. I am anxious and afraid all the time, have been since they told me I was pregnant. Always waiting for this precious gift to be taken from me. She will be 4 in July and that fear and anxiety remains, as powerful as ever, and I am trying to sort that, among all the other things.

I am fierce about my children. They are everything to me. Their safety and security are by far the most important thing in the world. However, I am not naïve enough to believe that I can protect them forever, one day SOON they will venture out on their own and I must have faith that everything we are doing now to create loving, warm, successful girls will pay off, roadblocks and all. That they will have the resources and the knowledge to make the decisions that will make them happy. I never want my children to decide something based on our needs or because they are afraid if they don’t, we won’t love them anymore, that is a tragic way to live and I will never leave them feeling obligated to us for our own selfish needs. They were born to live their lives, not help us reconcile ours.

My dream this morning has me thinking about how unheard I feel right now. How unable I am to channel my voice. I suppose I can share with you the scene. My daughter was in the basement and I at the top of the stairs. She was running around in the dark, not sure why, but she was. From the top of the stairs, I saw what appeared to be a ghost. I couldn’t tell if she saw it or not because it moved so fast but as I focused in, I could see that she had spotted this thing and was making her way towards it. As I realized what was about to happen, she connected with it and before I could scream or tell her to stop, she disappeared, and I was awake. My greatest fear felt so real even though I know she was safely asleep in her crib.

That isn’t the first time I have had a dream where I can’t find my voice or the only sound, I can muster is an inaudible scream. I am no dream expert, but I am willing to bet it has something to do with how I am feeling at present. I have changed a lot recently. Some would argue I haven’t changed at all but in the last 4 months, I have done a lot of work around my trauma. I have looked in the recesses of my brain and recalled memories I’d prefer to forget but that have shaped my coping mechanisms and I have been doing everything to crawl out of the hell I have lived in for most of my life. A year ago, I wouldn’t have known how horrific my coping mechanisms were, how prevalent my victim status was. I wouldn’t have known what a “martyr” I had been. I wouldn’t have known that it was time to get my shit together and either change or perish. I have chosen to change although it feels like I’m dying sometimes. I mean I suppose they are small deaths and rebirths all wrapped into one. It’s painful and beautiful always and even when the pain seems unbearable, I get up each day with the intention to keep going. Come what may, I won’t give up on myself.

The topic of boundaries has been a hot topic in my life these last few weeks. Some of the most important people in my life asking me to know my boundaries to communicate them and to emphatically decide. To decide how I want to live my life based on the needs of others around me rather than based on my own needs and what is essentially going to make ME happy. I mean I deserve to be happy too, right? Or does that make me arrogant and entitled? If it makes me the latter, then I am unaware of the rules of life and it’s time for me to take a crash course before I move any further. I have openly shared here that I have made some horrific decisions in the last year. I have caused pain and harm. I have manipulated and been dishonest. However, I have also held myself accountable and acknowledged my wrong doings. I have been committed to making amends and above all else I have been consistent in continuing my therapy and my trauma work. The people that love me, friends, family all of them deserve a whole, healed person. I am not quite there yet, my lack of self-regulation tells me so.

I am a walking trigger at times. At times, I am back at my worst childhood memories. I am angry, loud, and arrogant. I can’t control my temper, I get petulant, and I throw temper tantrums. I even at times, take my frustrations out on the people I love and no matter how much I regret those times, they happen, because I am human. I am working on apologizing and acknowledging my behavior. Is it a perfect science, no. Do I sometimes dig my heels in the sand and firmly plant myself in a belief that doesn’t align with another person? Absolutely. Does that make me a bad person? No, that means that I have my own needs as well. That means that I have my own wants and desires and that whether someone agrees or not, they are my needs. Does it mean I don't love them enough, no. Sadly, it also means I still have a lot of unhealed parts. Parts that still have not been reprogrammed during EMDR or any of my other self-improvement work. It is MY job to regulate myself, to create my own safety and security. If I expect the people around me to regulate themselves for me to remain untriggered then my expectations are out of bounds and I need to adjust immediately.

It is my responsibility to adjust my boundaries when I get out of bounds. What I won’t do is provide or deny love and support based on my needs not being met, based on me not staying healthy. It is my job to meet my own needs. The moment that I expect anyone else to meet my needs before I am meeting my own is the moment that I need to get a system check in place and readjust my expectations. I am accountable to myself and my behaviors and that is my takeaway from today. That I do have a voice if I stick to the reality, that I am responsible for me, myself, and I. Anything outside of that can be classified as entitlement or throwing an adult temper tantrum and when you have experienced trauma and you are triggered it is your inner child that is speaking on your adult self’s behalf. However, no matter where the reaction is stemming from it is not ok to keep doing it, especially if you know it is harmful to others.

So, whether you are my partner, friend, or family member you deserve a whole healed person. Someone who knows what she needs, how to ask for those needs to be met, how to stick to her boundaries and who isn’t willing to compromise her own happiness in the name of someone else’s safety and security. In all the reading that I’ve done on relationships, trauma, and attachment, the healthier the relationship the more autonomy each person develops, the more security is built. The moment that an interaction feels like a punishment, tit for tat, or any other unhealthy relationship dynamic it is time to make a swift realignment. Notice how I said realignment, not departure. There is a difference between realigning your behavior to achieve a different result and departing because you are unwilling to address yourself. I am making the choice to stay with myself. I am making the choice to not abandon myself. I will not make decisions that compromise my needs or my happiness. If it makes me arrogant, entitled, spoiled, selfish, to want to be happy, and I mean fucking genuinely happy. Where I walk this earth and feel proud of the person that I have become, that I am a role model for my children, then so be it.

I realized last night as I was reading that I haven’t read a book to completion in months. I have been dipping my toe in at least 6 books, seeking answers for why I am the way I am and desperately looking for answers on how to change me. Perhaps a theme for my life currently. Do you know what that realization made me consider though? That I continue to live in the land of not being enough, that I need to fix myself to be worthy of love. Well, I am here to say that I am not doing that anymore. I am committed to being compassionate with myself, of being kind to myself because I have worked hard to get to this place and will continue day after day, year, after year working on myself. I will not stop until I reach nirvana, but it won’t come out of me jumping around from book to book, from minimizing my needs and expectations, or from expecting others around me to fill the voids I am unwilling to fill for myself.

My commitment to myself is to finish reading the book I am reading now, to not move on to the next book until that one is complete. Seeking answers in various books is not as effective as seeking them within me. To develop a self-care routine that fits comfortably into my life. To find a work/life balance that frees up time to spend with my children. To go to therapy twice a week and to prioritize myself. To organize my thoughts. Stay firm with my boundaries and above all else take care of my own needs. I am responsible for me and this is the recipe I am going to try. Perhaps an adjustment will be required but for now this is my boundary and my need, and I will no longer compromise that. Firmly planted, two feet in, with myself.