Triggers

The need to meet your partner where they are is a part of navigating all the nuances of relationship. If your partner leaves their socks on the floor, do you pick a fight every time because it brings up feelings in you or do you accept that your partner leaves their socks on the floor and you put them in the laundry basket? In my personal experience, I put the socks away. That however took a really long time to figure out because I didn’t know how to be flexible. And while I am still rigid in many of my beliefs, I am always deciding what is my own stuff and what is truly something that I cannot fundamentally navigate my way out of.

I have spent a lifetime working on the things that triggered me in partnership. The things that brought up intense feelings for me because they were fundamentally different than the things that I was “used” too. I grew up in an intense household. My mother has struggled with OCD and anxiety her whole life and also happened to be the victim of some extreme emotional and at times physical abuse at the hands of her father. My mom spent much of my early childhood translating what she learned from her experiences and implementing similar strategies on her children. I can’t speak for my brother, he is 13 years older than us, but I can speak for myself and my sister and while our childhood wasn’t as horrible as some it was very bumpy and difficult to start. At least from what I can recall of my early childhood.

I learned significant coping strategies from organization and cleanliness. I was meticulous with my hygiene, the space that I occupied, my physique, and my attention to detail with my education. I was judged on my performance. Good grades got recognition. Muscular body got praised. If I ate something unhealthy because I wanted to be a teenager and experience life’s indulgences, I was reminded what that could do to all of my hard work. Believe it or not that criteria still exists today. I am still praised for all of my hard work, for being a successful clinician, for having recently lost weight. I get asked regularly if I am going back to finish my doctoral degree because I “can’t let all of my hard work go” even though I am working harder now than I ever have there is always another bar to reach another success threshold. But how much longer does that need to be my life before those closest to me can't accept that I have reached a level of deep satisfaction doing the work I am doing now. Success isn’t measured by tangible accomplishments it is measured in actual happiness. I don’t measure success by degrees, accolades, or praise. I measure it by being able to do telehealth with clients with no bra on and not feel shame or guilt. Simply said, comforting my needs while attending to the ones of the people I love around me.

Deviating outside of the parameters of life’s expectations has never been something that I have done without careful and detailed consideration or even at all. And often, I have talked myself out of moving forward with things because the risk has been too great. So essentially, I have stifled my entire existence to ensure that I was receiving the love and praise from those around me by following the rules. But who’s rules have I actually been following? What makes the way that I do things wrong and those around me right? Isn’t it fundamentally possible for us to find satisfaction and happiness by seeing the other as they are rather than who we want them to be? Do our triggers get to hold us prisoner or do we get to step outside of the shackles and live? And I mean really live. I truly don’t know the answer, but I am desperately seeking it. I am seeking a deeper understanding of myself, my triggers, my relationship to the outside world and how I affect change in it but above all else I am seeking comprehension of the most fundamental of tools, listening. I am a counselor; I listen for a living. But the human in me, the one outside of the counseling room, allows her triggers to take over and I leave my people feeling shitty and unheard because I can’t hush the demons in my mind.

I have recently identified that I get triggered when someone is telling me what to do, or how they feel that I need to be living that lines up to more normative standards. It sends me into a completely uncontrollable spiral and I lose all rational thinking and I get angry. I spent my entire life being told not to trust anyone but my family, to not have sex before marriage because its bad, to be athletic, eat healthy, to not drink or do drugs, tattoos are bad, self-expression is awful unless it is in line with someone else’s belief systems. That being gay would prevent me from living a normal life. That I should do this or that. Why the fuck can’t I just live my life? Make my own mistakes? Learn from them? And walk away with a lesson, without being told my skin is no longer beautiful because it’s covered in tattoos or that my body still belongs to my mother because she made it. Perhaps the answer to that will come at some point but the reality is that I am a good person with significant flaws who is trying to navigate life just like everyone else. I don’t come with an instruction manual and while I am trying to write a self-help approach to getting to know me, I am still beyond a shadow of a doubt an absolute work in progress.

I recently had a conversation about being able to see the good things that people bring rather than focusing on the one thing that people do that trigger me. I would be very lonely if I only saw people’s flaws. I spent a lifetime being loved based on my “perfections” and criticized for my flaws and while at times I am judgmental and see only what I want versus what is actually happening I am working on accepting people where they are and highlighting the benefits, they bring to my life rather than the things they do that trigger me. I am finding the light in the people around me. I am trusting myself enough to know that I would not surround myself with people who will drain my energy but rather replenish it.

Every person in my life that I have chosen to give access to me is imperfect like me. They have flaws, varying parenting styles, significant relationship difficulties, and yet within those imperfections they are perfect. They are there for me, they see me, they value what I offer them because when they look at me, they don’t see someone who is flawless, they see someone who is real. And when I look at them, I see them as they are, naked, raw, and extremely exposed just like me. I will remain there with them and support them as needed always. I will not let the sock on the floor cause an argument every time because that only serves to make me angry and resentful because they aren’t following “my rules” and by doing that I am taking away from the beauty of the connection. The connection is everything.

If I asked those closest to me right now if I am living life to “normative” standards they would say no. They would say they don’t understand what I am doing. They would say that I have unrealistic expectations about outcomes and how to get to them or that I am disillusioned. They would say that they love me but that they don’t understand me. I need to be ok with that. If I get caught in the weeds of the emotions that invokes, I would modify how I do things to ensure that those around me understood me better rather than do what my intuition is telling me. I would take the path with the least amount of shame because that would secure me the most acceptance. But the cost of that is tremendous.

In this lifetime, I have made some questionable decisions. I have lacked integrity, I have been unfaithful, I have manipulated, I have gaslight, I have invalidated experiences, I have been untrustworthy, I have self-preserved, I have even lost myself all in the name of black and white thinking. I stopped allowing myself the freedom to live. And anyone who has been on this journey with me knows that I have been committed to staying in acknowledgement of my behaviors of righting the wrongs. Of highlighting my light again and crawling out of the darkness. Reminding myself that I am worthy of love. That I am worthy of being accepted where I am and that I am committed to never giving up on continuing to better myself for the sake of those around me but mostly for the sake of myself.

I am more than those things, I am love, I am light, I am fierce, I am passionate, I am romantic, I am a fighter. I love deeply and for an eternity. I have made questionable decisions and at times have ugly and scary reactions to triggers that I am so desperately trying to eradicate but I love deeply enough to never give up. Every decision I make now and since my recovery began in January has been in the best interest of my children, myself and those that I love infinitely. I remind myself of that daily. If I maintain those three things as the basis for every decision, then I am doing it for the right reasons. I am picking my battles, I am not getting angry about the sock on the floor I am focusing on my mental health, giving my children an experience that is healthy for them that allows them the space to grow and development and trust that I will always prioritize them.

For those that know me and see me thank you. For those that are still unsure of who I am and what I bring to the table in terms of warmth, kindness, compassion, understanding, trustworthiness and effective listening, stay with me. I am sorry that I ever caused you to doubt me. That I violated your trust so profoundly that it is painful to imagine ever giving that back. I will earn your trust. I will show you that outside of my triggers and residual anger, there is more love than my offering of pain. I am working on developing healthier coping skills. I am working on identifying my boundaries and maintaining them. Above all else, I love my children, I love my people, I love myself and I will stop at nothing to ensure that everyone has a fair shot at living a well-balanced life. As adjusted, and as loved as humanly possible in the face of chaos and uncertainty.