Truth=Trust

I have needed an outlet, one where I can fully disclose the truths about myself. One where trust can begin. A place that is safe for anyone who wants to take this journey with me.

My whole life I have attempted to connect with people on a level that transcends the basic pleasantries that we normally engage in. I have craved deep, spiritual, connection that can only be found with the utmost willingness to be vulnerable. The irony is that as I have discovered in the last year or so is that I have chosen a lifetime of not being vulnerable. I EXPECT vulnerability but am at times unwilling to unravel my own self because I am afraid. I am afraid all the time. Afraid of losing those closest to me because if they knew the dark that lies within, they would leave me. What lies I have told myself. My whole life, I have felt not good enough. I have felt that my differences created inadequacies, so I spent a lifetime measuring success by the things I achieved, the people I surrounded myself with, and conforming to the expectations set out for me at a very young age.

Over a year ago, I began a journey into exploring my trauma, my sexuality, and my family system. I identified fundamentally flawed parts of myself that I had accepted as appropriate coping mechanisms and used those flaws as justifications for bad behavior. There is never a justification for bad behavior. This realization has been a painful look into myself, my patterns, my attachment, my codependency, my need for control, the at times harmful and hurtful behavior towards the people I love most. I have spent so much time in and out of self-reflection. The moments I have held myself accountable I have been able to be the most authentic version of myself and the times I have avoided accountability I have seen sides of myself that I am determined to extinguish permanently.

I spent my entire life getting to this moment. The moment that I would feel “comfortable” acknowledging the very flawed sides of me. My hope is that my journey while painful at times will give someone the courage to look within themselves, to change generational patterns, to heal from their own trauma. As a psychotherapist it is the theme of the work I do with my clients. To challenge self-created narratives about their worth. I am determined to break the generational patterns that I have grown to lean on and reach for when I feel triggered, when those feelings of not being good enough come out of the darkness screaming.

I am more light than dark, I am a vessel for healing but without acknowledging the truth of who I am, I will inauthentically wander this earth. This next chapter of my life will be spent standing firmly in my truth while encouraging others to stand in theirs.