Unbecoming to become

So, I have to call myself out on my own bullshit today, I am a provider of support, comfort, encouragement, and sound recommendations to my clients but as I sit here contemplating my own life, I can’t help but think how very little I attend to my own needs or how I don’t take my own advice.

I am in a self-created 12-step program of sorts. I acknowledged that I had a problem, I decided that I needed to get support, and I have been on healing journey ever since. It hasn’t been easy. I have relapsed, I have felt hopeless, but I continue to rise. Each day has its set of setbacks and roadblocks but what I am realizing is that the more that I sit with the discomfort that they produce the more I am aware of my triggers, my self-created narratives, and how often I don’t give myself enough grace to feel.

When we don’t acknowledge our most deep-rooted pain, how can we really begin our healing? That was the question that I had to ask myself to actually decide that I no longer wanted to live tethered to my past. In almost 41 years, I have a lot of pasts, but the “pasts” that have set the tone for my adult life are the ones that are attached to my childhood. Those very painful memories that have shaped the woman I am today.

What I have identified over the last months is that I don’t need to keep myself attached to the past. That while the past significantly changed me, I have control over who I want to be. I always had control; I just didn’t realize it. I always relied on blame and victimology to function day to day. If I didn’t need to be responsible for my own behavior, then I could easily pass the blame on to the person or persons closest to me. I mean hell, I could blame the universe. What I have realized is that life isn’t about right or wrong or blame versus accountability. It is about taking the lessons and implementing change and remaining firmly planted in that reality.

Words without change or action are simply manipulation.

We manipulate ourselves and others when we “say” things and don’t back them up with actions. Sadly, it took me a long time to realize this. I arrogantly prided myself on being eloquent with my words, but what I came to realize is that it was all smoke and mirrors because I was not able to ACTUALLY see what those words were doing to me and the people around me. Words can at times be more hurtful than helpful. They keep false tethers in place because we keep ourselves and others hopeful. Selling an idea to yourself and others is great but eventually people will realize that, that is all it was, a sell. Nothing substantial behind it. Lots of therapy and a shit ton of loss provided me with all the clarity that I needed around this topic, I had to make immediate changes because the risks became too high. I would say the risks were always high but without the full acknowledgement of my behavior I hadn’t quantified exactly how much I was willing to let go of by staying ignorant.

I can proudly say I am finally becoming. I am no longer holding on to the false narratives I have held onto my whole life of not being worthy of love. I am no longer allowing my trauma and my pain to drive how I treat those that I love. I am fighting hard to live the most authentic life I can. To stand in my truth no matter how hard it can be at times. To let others, know that it is never too late to “unbecome.” It is never too late to seek answers about your internal struggles. It is never too late to see yourself from a truthful place. I know it may be hard to believe that someone will be willing to stand by your side as you discover these parts of yourself. Or you may not believe that there is someone out there willing to walk alongside you as you explore your inner darkness, but I am here to say that if someone loves you, if someone sees you, they will be there to support your growth as well as encourage you during your setbacks. Unresolved trauma can be hard to navigate alone but with the support of your loved ones, you can feel their light uplift you during the darkest of times. It will all be ok.