What a difference a day makes

I realized that I don’t remember the firsts of most of the important things in my life. I remember that an event happened but the finite details that encompass one specific event I often don’t recall. Is that because a lot of my firsts were unimportant? Is it because some of them were under the influence or is it just that at this stage of my life I am paying more attention to the details because well who knows, one day I may forget them? I honestly don’t know but I have been thinking a lot about this time of the year and what it represents to me.

I woke up today with a fever after having gone to bed feeling pretty shitty. Pain in my joints I have never experienced. Everything hurting. I can’t even fold my arms or close my hands because the pain is just everywhere. I have done a nice job the last almost two years avoiding Covid and I think this time I may not have. I guess in reality, I was bound to get it, the odds with the recent uptick were no longer in my favor. I had been hopeful. Perhaps it’s just the flu.

I’m lying-in bed in between clients and thinking about this time three January's ago. The feeling, the anticipation, the undeniable energy. I remember every hesitation, every fear, every worry, and I remember the moment our energies finally connected and it is a moment that I will never forget. I guess there are some things that are burned in your mind. Memories that if you pay close enough attention to, you will remember all of the details as if you were teleported right back into that moment. I hope to never forget that moment.

I am cranky, I am sick, and what I would like is to wrap myself around her. That is the truth and rather than deny my feeling I verbalize it. Or write it, however you want to view it. I am desiring that feeling that can only be provided by one human. I often wonder if that need will get easier. I don’t imagine it will. That desire hasn’t changed in all this time. I suppose it never will. And honestly, I think I am becoming ok with it. I don’t need to default to old patterns, or seek comfort in places that no longer suit me. I haven’t done that in years and there isn’t any amount of loneliness in the world that will ever change that. I have come way too far in the land of numbing behaviors and learned SO much about what you can actually have when you are spiritually, emotionally, and physically connected to someone that I could never go back.

I guess the best way to describe it is that I am spoiled. Very, very spoiled.

I had been really hard on myself for everything. Beating myself up for a long time for being in this space of longing. At times been downright angry about how I behaved when I could have had exactly what I am needing at the moment with me. As time has gone by, I know that no amount of beating myself up will change the outcome. In fact, it will prevent me from being able to move forward. I am only looking for forward motion right now. I have given myself the space to have my memories and use those to hold onto moments that mean the world to me but outside of that I am not interested in replacing or replicating something that can’t be replaced or replicated. You can’t seek in others feelings and experiences that you had with another person. And since I am not in a place to not have these memories at the forefront of my mind, I am ok being exactly where I am right now. That has been so important to me, being able to allow myself to be completely immersed in where I am rather than jumping ahead to something else. I was reflecting back on my feedback last week and thinking how long I functioned by multi-tasking so much of my life. Was I ever really giving those that I love my full and undivided attention or was I just present enough that they didn’t feel completely neglected but not present enough that they felt I was fully available to them? It has taken me so long to understand that money, optics, how one sees you means nothing in the end if you don’t have love. Love, is the most important thing I could ever hope to have in my life. Love for self, allows love towards others. I didn’t have love for myself for such a long time. And as I continue to work on myself, I am learning how much I didn’t know about love itself. I sought out external validation my whole life and that was never sustainable. It worked for as long as it worked but now the only person, I need validating me is myself.

I’m in my favorite black, zip up, sweatshirt, laying in bed again because my body can’t remain upright for another moment and finding comfort in the things I have. Memories, a roof over my head, medicine to help ease some of the pain, food, and countless other things that nourish my body, mind, and spirit. With all that though, there is a tremendous void. A permanent hole where a person used to be. And I suppose that is the beauty about memories, you get to recall them but they also remind you of what was rather than what is. I don’t know if it is a trauma response to hold onto memories or if I hold on to them because they are reminders of the happier moments in my life. Either way, I intend to not dwell too much on it. If for the rest of my life this time of the year is going to take me back to that moment then by all means I welcome it.