What I know today

Thank God it’s Friday. This week has been long and I’ve not been able to snap out of this funk I have been in. I have had a tough week sleeping, shutting off my brain, and I’ve been more reflective than I’ve been in a while about the past and all the things that could have been different. I’ve realized this week, that I am in or fast approaching a transition phase. I am not sure what that will entail but it is coming. I am restless and as I shared earlier this week, there is a dull ache, a missing piece that I am working on sorting out. I made the mistake of not trusting my knowing in a deeply regrettable way and I have vowed to myself to never lose trust in myself again. Relying on my inner voices reassuring me that something is as it should be or vice versa is the only way that I ensure I am living my most authentic life. Knowing what is good for me with work, friendships, etc. is something that has become a tremendous part of my everyday life. I am able to hear my body, I notice its responses to things more clearly and I am no longer tethered to specific outcomes. What I do now is listen to the ever-growing sound of needing change and deciphering what that change actually means and implementing it. Implementation and follow through were always the missing pieces to living my best life.

I had an unavoidable urge to go for a run this week. I have not been for a run in a very long time and I contemplated it all day. The last time I went for a run, I was met with aches and pains in my feet that made it impossible to run. Back then I had tried various running shoes, stretching beforehand, truly anything to make it possible for me to get back out there. Nothing seemed to help, so I gave up. The pain was too much to deal with and so when it came into my mind the other day, I decided to give it a chance. My first time out in almost a year. The run started out a bit bumpy, I had a new pair of sneakers made for this task, and first 5-10 minutes in, my feet began to hurt and I thought, perhaps this is my first and last run. As you get older, you realize that things start to deteriorate before your eyes and I had settled on the fact that perhaps my feet could no longer take the pounding of the pavement. Sad, but perhaps a reality I needed to face.

Lots of what I have not wanted to face the reality of, I’ve had to face head on. I've had to deal with it, and show up better each and every time. So, I decided that first run to adjust my pace and keep going. My goal was 30 minutes and I made it through, and my feet settled and it was nice to be out there listening to music and using my body in a way I hadn’t in a long time. Yesterday, I did the same thing. Committed to 30 minutes, a steady pace and there was no pain. I will have to see what next week looks like. I am committed to giving myself time between runs, to pace myself, to not overdo it so that I can continue this in the long term not just in the short term. Life is all about pacing and I have been working really hard at maintaining a pace for myself that is healthy and for me. Adjusting each time I get out of bounds.

The route I took yesterday was both familiar and different. I started my run on a different side of town, but ran towards a route that had become so familiar to me for many years. As I circled this familiar space, I couldn’t help but reflect on the last time I remembered coming down that way. It was right when restrictions had been softened during the COVID-19 pandemic. It was a warm and rainy Crave Thursday. I was in a tank and shorts and wearing a hat. The thought I had about this run is about a moment in time when I had the opportunity to surrender to love, to trust, and to allowing someone to see me in full and complete vulnerability. I didn’t surrender, I was resistant, shallow, and angry and now that I am able to reflect on it, I made a tremendous error. That moment was a bid, it was all the “proof” I needed that I was loved and wanted and that my primal scent, odor, being, was part of that want. I didn’t need to be perfectly wrapped in a bow. My own insecurities surfaced that evening and I sent my lover away, sad, hurt, and confused because I couldn’t love myself well. I didn’t show up. I abandoned everything again because I didn’t trust it. I had this innate need to be perfect, to smell, perfect, to look perfect, and I thought as I ran past the ghost of a moment in time yesterday, have I grown since that happened?

The answer to that question isn’t a simple yes or no. It is complicated like most things in life. I have changed. I have embraced a side of me that I never believed possible. I look forward to my days of working from home. I choose comfort over put together any day of the week. A t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops is all I’m rocking these days. Nothing constricting likes bras needed on my days that I don’t go into an office and face people. I am more comfortable with my body. I look at it and see its beauty rather than tear it apart for its "imperfections". I don’t chew gum anymore (once in a blue moon) because as long as my oral hygiene is good, my inner chemistry is what a lover is attracted too not the spearmint gum swirling around my mouth. My scent, the combination of my products and my inner chemistry is as important for myself to love, accept, and revere as much as it is in seeking that in a partner.

The abundance I seek doesn’t come from a nicely wrapped gift box, tied up in a bow, it comes from seeing the beauty in the world, and in the people around you. It’s about finding beauty in the small moments, repairing the mistakes I make, and acknowledging where my insecurities remain, and facing them head on. If I could go back to that moment, I would do it all so differently. I would surrender, I would trust, I would be free. All I can do now though, is learn from it, understand it, and remember the invaluable lessons I have learned.