Where to go from here

Did you ever think it would end up like this? That is the question that I keep asking myself, and while the answer vacillates between excitement and fear, I am happy to report that the more that I confront my demons, the more accepting I become. I suppose that is all that we have, acceptance. Outside of that we just have to be willing to take risks and live life less cautiously otherwise we will miss it. I’ve missed a lot in my pursuits of being seen from a lens of perfection. As I realize more and more about myself and what has motivated me throughout my life, I have realized that I have made decisions based on a negative script. I have chosen the paths that I have because those paths would provide me the most acceptance and as I have come to realize, that doesn’t make for a happy life. In fact, it perpetuates and unlived life and as I have shared, I am no longer interested in giving my life away to rules and guidelines that were never about me but were about my caregivers needs and expectations.

Therapy lately has been a means to talk through so much of my process. I had been so consumed with outcome that I didn’t really focus on the root problem which was really my belief systems. And even now as I have started to unpack the motivators in my life and the narrative that I have lived by, I feel as if I am betraying my family. Can I be grateful for the things that they have provided me and also acknowledge that they took something from me as a small child that would follow me into adulthood? That in their pursuit to love me they actually chose control and abuse. And those feelings of betrayal come to the surface in this moment because it wasn’t all bad. I think about Untamed here, Glennon talks about her taming happening at the age of 11 and for me it was at the age of 8. One action changed the course of my life and I wish that I had been able to see the significance of that much earlier. Perhaps, it would have saved a lifetime of maladaptive behaviors and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I suppose the when doesn’t matter so much as how I choose to live my life from here.

I have lived a life in judgement of those around me who didn’t share similar beliefs. Who pursued love aggressively because they didn’t know how to be alone with themselves. What I have come to realize after assessing my life is that I too am the person who has chosen to love feverishly. I have attached to women who have either perpetuated my belief system that I am not good enough or who have loved me well. In all of that love that I have experienced in my life I have missed the most essential ingredient to maintain a relationship and that has been love of self. I have never loved myself well. I have relied on my partners to elevate me in ways that I have just been too scared to do myself and whether it is because I don’t feel deserving or because I didn’t really see my capabilities without the support of others, I have always needed external motivation and love has been it. I believe that there is a healthy level of external motivation versus internal motivation. I think that you need a little bit of both but when you're reliant on others to make you happy that is when it gets unhealthy and unsustainable. I have learned this lesson the hard way and while I am working towards forgiving myself for what I didn’t know, I can’t help but wonder how things would have turned out if I had. If I had chosen healthy over self-preservation.

They say that time heals. That with commitment to self, to the pursuit of happiness, to discovering how to love oneself, you can evolve and recreate our stories in a way that no longer holds onto the negative beliefs we have about ourselves. That when we use our rational thinking and our adult brain versus that small hurt child that we are able to see the truth about who we are and the value we bring to the world. That is what I am seeking. My therapist asked me yesterday how I see my 8-year-old self. I see her as scared, unprotected, and unsafe. And even now at 41 years old I feel the same way at times and it's because I have wanted for my mom to see what she did and to acknowledge that she didn’t protect me when she had the opportunity. And as I told my therapist it is not just my mom who failed to protect me, it was my brother and my father. Either of them could have made the choice to protect me. And none of them were willing to take the risk. So, at 8 years old I lost my safety and from that moment on I did everything I could to create it, to ensure that I was loved, that I didn’t give them a reason to stop loving me. And I did it in the unhealthiest of ways, hurting many along the way.

My greatest fear is for the person I love to stop loving me. My insecurities are rampant whenever that love is threatened. And as we have seen this last year and a half, I will stop at nothing to retain it and it never ends well because the tactics I use are unhealthy and not about the other person but rather about my need. I have a whole new understanding of my needs now and what I need from my partner to feel safe with them. I also know what I need to do to create safety for them, and that is to listen rather than respond. It’s not about prioritizing my need it’s about understanding both of our triggers, identifying the others need, and creating a safe space to allow both to exist. That has always been the part that I have been missing. I have prioritized my needs without considering what that might do to my partner. And I have never made room for us both. I don’t know what this would look like in practice, but what I am learning is that this skill applies to all of my interactions, all of the people that matter to me in this world deserve this level of attention to their needs as long as I have room to express mine. Both of us need to feel safe to get through the challenge’s life may have in store.

Everyone deserves to be heard, my trauma is not more significant than theirs, there needs to be room for everyone to express themselves. To ask to be heard and seen. To not be treated unfairly and unkindly. I have spent a lifetime in a war with myself. Giving power to ancient belief systems. I have spent so much time feeling undeserving of peace and my time at war has caused some significant casualties. The loses truly have been tremendous and if I allowed myself to spiral in this moment, I could tell you how devastating those loses have been. I could write a novel about the loss. The loss that has forced me to do something drastic to conquer myself once and for all. I hope to be in a place one day to accept love, to accept myself, to look myself in the mirror and be proud of who I have become. I still have a long journey ahead of me but in the end it will be worth it. Love can be beautiful when it is healthy and that is the expectation that I have for myself moving forward, to engage in healthy love, to love myself well, so that I can love someone else well.

For now, Ill focus on self-care, reading, writing, working, spending time with my kids and anything else that brings me fulfilment and joy.